I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
there is puke in my bra ... again
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