so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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