Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
