listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
