if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
