don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
