And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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