I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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