I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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