We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
