Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
