Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
