And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
