Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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