Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
