Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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