The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
