I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
