Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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