I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
