What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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