I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
