I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
