can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
