Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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