I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
