you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It's official drugs can't kill me
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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