Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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