I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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