Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
did you just send me my own nude
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
