i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
