You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
