i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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