sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
