Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We named our party play list daddy issues
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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