I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
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