I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
