"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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