Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
