Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
