the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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