last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
