Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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