Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
