That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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