before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
