he thought i was a dude.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
