I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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