No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
