I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
