I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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