hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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