i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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