ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize