Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
