I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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