Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
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Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
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The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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