When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
