So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
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I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
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Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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