I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Life is so much better after having sex.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
