guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
