I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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